Michelle’s First Album Title

I’d really love to update weekly. I’ll try that from now on ‘kay?

=/ =) =D ;D =D =) =/

1. I’ve just finished writing my first boundary-free short story of the year. As in, I was free to decide its title, its story length and of course–what it was about.

The title is ‘Photographer’. It’s about an orang who goes all the way to hire a professional photographer to help build up her photography profile just so she’d create something relatable to her famous model lover. She also did it to live up to the lover’s reputation by wanting to advance from part-time modelling to having a successful modelling career so that she would create another common ground between themselves to salvage their relationship.

It’s not a shallow story la. Lol. Trust me, if you knew me you’d believe me it’s a story that speaks multitude for itself =)

2. My baby hair/’fringe’ is annoying me quite a lot. Dah la the front part of my hair is close to the forehead and would naturally grow downward instead of learning to part sideways =P

Now when it’s dry it gets in the way of having a clear eyesight and threatens to join my food when I open my mouth to have my meals.

Lol. I’ve once thought of cutting ‘em short if I get called up for NS. But then kan, the world would lose another good-looking brat right?

Haha. Life has truly taught me to be perasan. =P

3. In conjunction with that, I’ve grown more confident after being called ‘pretty’ and ‘hot’ by many folks I know lately.

I know how shallow/perasan that sounds, but I guess I’m saying I really do appreciate the fact that people would spend some time to actually look at me and tell me things like that and make my day.

Lol.

4. Choir comp is next week. Wednesday. Lotsa internal conflicts(politics would be too strong a word)wrangle our chances to victory but we’ll make it through, won’t we?

It happens every year. Now that we have had no choice but to grow more independent as a team–I truly believed that most of everything was done for us last year so all we of last year’s batch had to do was give our commitment, learn to sing as a choir and yes, create a bond amongst ourselves. We had much more time for that last year.

But does that imply that without teachers’ etc. help we can’t create a kinda team-themed love amongst ourselves?

Ask yourselves that question ‘kay.

5. Got emotional two days back. I am fine otherwise. A friend described me as an emotional time-bomb; I agreed.

But all these insecurites that pile up within myself stem from a heart that does not trust so easily to reveal all details that it processes.

Like, feeling angry when someone has knocked me hard on the shoulder without apologising that I prolly keep to myself until the next time it happens–during which I would be triggered to explode and say ‘yo bitch, I’m not one to be shoved ’round the place y’know’.

I wanted to be the calmer one in the choir committee board after seeing most of them break down though time.

Time heals yet it weathers.

So being the calmer and ‘not so vocal’ one–today during a discussion session I told the girls ‘I’m actually shy and introverted by nature so that’s why I’m not as vocal as them *points at Nana and Celyn*…’

I do speak up and talk–I learnt to equip that ability as a defense mechanism too–but it’s probably to comfort and break communication barriers that get in the way sometimes.

But two days back after dealing with a three-year long, recurring choir prob I’ve lost my temper. Out of some related, accumulated frustration as well.

But I guess by ‘losing my cool’ that very moment I actually let it out and solve it once and for all. For once, I’m at an advantage of a win-win situation.

Cz lately it was pretty hard for me to find channels to sort out my emotions–so that incident served as a moment I could break down for a moment to let out more than just the emotions derived from that particular incident.

Ooh wow, so breaking down for the greater good? That’s a first.

Being a choir president–not a very good one but I’m still trying without being so distracted all the time–I’m being watched by my peers and juniors alike if not to lead them then to steady their nerves by being calm myself.

My friend also said that I should not bottle up my emotions so much. But my dears, being a deep thinker entitles me to having so huge an amplitude of emotions that I don’t think many can handle being the listening ear.

D, I know I can confide in you not because I’ve always done so–but because you’ve seen me through quite a fair bit of thick and thins and you’re my closest ‘07 batch choir confidant/friend alongside Sabrina.

Sakkun, you are a great friend–but you already have your insecurities to deal with so I hope not to distract you even more by making you a listening ear. You said you didn’t mind–but I know this time, you need a listening ear too.

Celyn, of course, you told me I can ‘always count on you’ but hey–because of that I’ve gotta learn to watch my back even more independently so I wouldn’t have to trouble you so much. Lol.

And M, thanks for listening. I can be pretty difficult on the ears at times–but I love you for doing everything you’re doing. Do you know that the dynamics of the past few people I was close with was that I have always been a listening ear while they spoke of things that I find interesting, amusing, depressing or difficult etc.? You came into my life, swept me off-guard and made me see that things are different now but in a good way.

I’m learning to be the one who speaks up now. Lol.

6. I am sorry for being so distracted at times. But that could possibly say that 1)that’s just how I am usually; 2)I’ve found my sorta ‘calling’, as in what I really am passionate about when doing so it seems that much else don’t matter anymore; 3)Music is so beautiful that I can’t help but be carried away by the tender waves of its rhythm, melody, harmonies etc.

Lol, excuses aloof and there I go delving into deep thoughts, philosophical stuff and the fact that my passion won’t feed my family when they’re hungry but my plans will.

Maybe, like, studying medicine/dentistry as my first choices.

=P =/ =)

Perhaps I should really find some career-weary Zen master, have a meditating session to talk it out.

7. Random fact–I had a dream last night about a family who would every bury every major belongings of one of its family members before they kill ‘em when they think that he/she is unworthy of living.

I dreamt that I was one of the family members and one day all my stuff go missing including my nametag. That indicates that my death was looming around so I enlisted help from the police force.

Lol, what a dream. But the police helped me out and found most of my stuff that was buried–including my handphone! =P I don’t know if I safely avoided the psycho family or not cz the next thing I knew I simply woke up from sleep.

      Okay la, banyak gila yg dah ditaipkan ni. I shall blog summore some time soon. I actually doubt that everyone who stumbles across this blog would have the patience to read ’til this point of the post. Haha. Off I go then. Ciao.

Love and joy, JLWY.

Songs to go along with the post:

‘Call The Police’ & ‘This Boy’ - James Morrison

Nice songs with a lot of prowess in his vocal emotions–tho not the weepy kind. Maybe he is on the sensitive side but that’s not a bad thing =)

I’m running out of clever ideas to use as my blog posts’ title. Not that they were very understandable or laced with mainstream feelings before this. Lol.

Most of them were a clever part of a song or maybe a word that is ruminating in my head. Sometimes they fit the bill, sometimes they don’t and sometimes they are just what they mean–’outtakes for an update’, if they were outtakes then my dears, that would mean they weren’t good enough to be published anywhere less self-absorbed as my own blog.

That could very well mean that I still have an underlying self-esteem prob but no matter, I’m gonna continue kicking butts in school and pop up here to update now and then, albeit more frequently than the past.

1. It’s funny cz today I asked D–again–how I have changed since last year. She said: my self-confidence and self-esteem have increased and I am finally comfortable at leading my team(perhaps that includes other people whenever maybe other projects are at hand). I let actually let off frustration by yelling/shrieking etc.

      So perhaps according to myself, um, I’m a few inches closer to being a better dancer, I can sing in a higher range now, I realised that the mathematical side of my brain has developed more, I am very vocal(outspoken)nowadays, I tend to openly daydream more often too. I have also outgrown the shell that used to enclosed a person you call ‘me’; my courage has multiplied by quite a sum and I do things that surprise myself and surpass my own expectations. I no longer have factors that hold me back, no longer have intimidations that serve as limiting factors in my life.

      If those limiting factors should ever have just decided to leave my life like that, I wish it would stay that way. I’m tired of being overshadowed by fools who think that being silent would save their own days. They have only pushed me down and have disallowed me to shine all along.

      This was funny tho; this morning when the choir gals complained that their hands were cold from the heavy air-conditioning, I reached out my hands to compare and they were surprised at their warmth. Out of instincts and not much thinking I only said, ‘Because I’m hot like that.’

Confidence boosted, no? =)

2. Medina is a holy city in Saudi Arabia.

3. A pregnant man says that it is a human desire to want to have a biological child.

Okay fine, let’s not complicate things–this guy happens to be a transgendered male who kept his internal female organs, I suppose that’s what the news report said. The wife had probs conceiving so now he’s pregnant. End of random report of a report.

4. "I’ve never liked girls who swear," an anonymous source once said during a conversation I had with said source. Said source claims that tho dia has nothing against the folks who do it but gals swearing make them look really rude. Lol.

      Personally, I know people do it and wouldn’t mind a single second of it; I had a bad case of it in primary school when all they would do was speak chinese and so I had to stop traffic to make them take notice by going ‘effing arse-lubang’ once in a while. Dulu lah, and translate that profanity to its more proper sounding version. Lol.

But my belief in karma made words of a very old friend affect me deeply; she told me that she doesn’t swear and she does it to ‘zhik hao fook’(weave luck by means of good speech). I was relatively young when she told me that but since then I have effectively stopped swearing like a casual curse-person would.

I just stopped.

But maybe lately, I’ve done it for two reasons:

a)When I’m very vocal about a threatening situation e.g. ‘that gal has f***** up your life and you’re opening your arms to let her into your life again just to do it again’ ‘hey, that b**** is holding a knife again you eh’;

b)Against people who have time and again proven their ability to make me feel uncomfortable, ‘that b**** surprised me with bad news again today by telling me 5 minutes before 1.30p.m. that she wants to hog the workplace that I have been hanging around for most of the day and was planning on continue using.’ ‘Did you know she hated me for a thing I didn’t know I was a part of; apparently her crush fell for me and now she plans World War 4 against me…that *uses multiple profanities*’

Modified examples of profanities + moments I’ve used ‘em. That’s within two years’ worth. My track record still okay kan? =P

I know lately I have changed in ways, but you guys know that I’m mostly profanity-free right? =/

5. Choir oh choir…gambate kay.

      I’m doing my best tho my mum freaked me out by telling me that if I don’t rest to let my throat heal from a cold I had, which caused a throat inflammation, I’m gonna risk losing my usual tonal quality when there’s simply too much friction created between the throat walls. A *cyst might form and when it bursts, there will be scarring and my voice will never be the same again. It’s like the case of getting a blister when your toe has rubbed one too many times against the floor in a harsh manner.

Mum oh mum.

6. And school. I wish I could make this promise that I could keep–be more interested in what’s going to be a huge decisive factor for the rest of my life, SPM and put my passion and dreams behind.

Do you know that ‘Life - Dreams = Job’? Now you do. Lol.

7. There’s a nametag, white ribbon and especially that silvery thing in my purse-let(purse+wallet)that I always look at and admire. I really love all the things you’ve given me. And what you did was sweet. It was your fave thing right? Hours before lunch you wouldn’t even let me see it. Lol.

8. That’s all then. Wait ’til my head has a lil’ less tendency to want to scream out in infinite words and maybe I’ll write something more light-hearted.

And light-hearted is a good thing =)

Green apple + muliple veggie juice and noodle-y stuff await me. =P

Ciao.

I don’t have much to say now. At least not world-changing things.

But everytime I say that, I end up babbling a lot. Btw I found out today that the I have always misspelled ‘a lot’ as ‘alot’.

1. Here are celebs I look out for–Drew Barrymore(Charlie’s Angels, 50 First Dates, E.T.), Selma Blair cz she seemed to have this broodiness = magnetic charm about her in ‘Hellboy’, Christina Cole of ‘Hex’ fame, Piper Perabo(I was told that she resembled me in a way so I went to watch more of her movies), Eva Green since I caught a glimpse of ‘this girl-person with a white scarf occasionally being pushed aside by the wind to reveal an intense gaze(tho some can’t stand it)and complimentary features’ in the movie ‘Kingdom of Heaven’(well yea, here’s a confession, I wasn’t looking at Orlando Bloom).

      And also in ‘Casino Royale’–Eva Green and Daniel Craig had a very sad/sweet moment together onscreen. In that scene, Eva’s character is potrayed as very distraught and traumatised from having to watch two goons who tried to assault her being pummeled to death down the stairway after being shot in close approximation out of self-defense by Craig’s character, Bond. Her character sits with a blank and lost stare, shivering under the running water from the shower behind a glass door panel thing.

      Bond looks at her sadly but was knowing enough to not make a sound. Instead, he doesn’t turn off the shower but holds Eva’s character and not let go even as she wails and struggles from the horrific memory. He calms her from her thought of forever not being able to wash the blood of her assailants away. Eva continues sobbing soundlessly, closing her eyes and resting on Bond’s shoulder as both of them sat in silence in the cubicle. He holds up her hands to put her fingers one by one in his mouth to lick the imaginary blood away under the running shower as a gesture to soothe her, holding her all the while to let her know that he will always take responsibilty and stand up against her fears.

I mean, reading this you’d think it’s kinda high on the disgusting scale but that quiet little scene really convinced me of the two main actors’ onscreen chemistry.

      Anyway, as for actors–Jonathan Rhys Meyers since ‘Match Point’, and since everyone I know looks at Chad Michael Murray so I went to see what the fuss is about too(I remember him from that movie with Hilary Duff), Josh Harnett(’Lucky Number Slevin’). Matthew Goode as Hector, the good-looking, loving husband of Piper Perabo’s character in ‘Imagine Me & You’ who has to make an important relationship decision after knowing that Piper’s character fell in love with a woman but didn’t want to confront her feelings.

Kurt Cobain. Lol. He’s someone I listen to, look at, read about and listen to again. I like his voice and guitar playing tho he himself as a person was a lil’ eccentric I suppose.

Others can’t remember. Lol. Don’t even get me started on movies and music.

2. Oh today I sat next to that VI guy I’ve intended to talk to at my tuition centre. My friends jokingly used to tell me that he would go to all classes I usually went for just to he’d catch me there and that the F4 Bio teacher hinted that he had a crush on me. But you see, it all seems to be just a fluke and nowadays I keep having a feeling that he is trying to avoid all the classes I go to.

That’s settled now, he seems like a nice guy albeit a lil’ on the nerdy side but I’d like to have him as a friend =)

Random stuff to be blogged about. Lol.

3. I really love singing. It’s something that brings me out of myself; it’s something that I feel so confident and passionate when doing.

I was prolly born with a more mellow, alto voice that’s fine in terms of pitching but not in power ala Whitney Houston but that ain’t gonna stop me from going on. Ka Yong said I have an indie musician’s voice; lol, besarnya compliment…and from the gal who won over Naili in Everybody’s Day comp. Not an easy feat, gal. So proud of you y’know. I told ya I know my music and I know a great singer when I hear one. And see what happened. Haha.

I love training(with)the choir girls, I have absolutely no fears when singing with them and maybe that feel-good aspect about it makes me lose track of the rest of the world when I sing and make gestures that go along with a song’s rhythm.

In a nutshell, I love singing. =)

3. To a lovely-but-ill-today-so-get-well-soon-ok someone, your cheer team was my(and countless others’)personal fave alrite; choreography when in comparison was simpler than Xavier’s but wins with sharp, slick and confident moves. Props add to the style factor.

Xavier has a more complex and ambitious choreography; but is it because of the speed that they don’t do it synchronised etc.?

I can’t do much for my rumah sukan, but I shall reserve my right to spectate and give due rights to teams I think are great. After all, I’m a cheerleader for one particular cheerleader

That’s all for now k. I know my choir folks are doing their best; especially Celyn tho I’m sorry I have to be so illiterate in music that I can’t help you with the score. I’ll make it up by training them as best as I can with the vocals parts alrite. Number of members hopping up and down not doing us much good either.

I shall be sleeping soundly tonight thinking of the things that made me restless earlier today and wondering about going to school tomorrow(imagining half the class empty from the raptai kat Cheras Football Stadium). Irony.

Song that’s stuck in my head:

‘Way Back Into Love’ - Hugh Grant & Halley Bennett

All I wanna do is find a way back into love

I can’t make it through without a way back into l-love…

And if I open my heart to you

(What will you do to it? Lol.)

Got tagged by someone who calls me Phoebe.

Wanted to type this out for awhile alrdy, so here I go =)

Real name:

- Janice Leong Wing Yie (JLWY). How formal, lol…But yea that’s the name. Panggil jer Wing Yie.

Nickname:

- Leong(remnant of my tomboyish days), Janice Jer Jer(means ’sister’ in cantonese; cousins call me that), and last but not least, Phoebe.

Male/Female:

- More femme than not.

Married:

- I’ll think about it when I come to that, k?

High school:

- Pineapple Hill High.

College:

- I’m Form 6-bound, my dears…if I don’t

make it to IPTA,

then prolly Methodist College.

Short or long hair:

- Long…cz I get to experiment with it. Look at next post

=D

Short…cz I’m nostalgic =) But dulu kan I get

discriminated alot cz of that.

Are u a healthy freak:

- By word of mouth and mentally, yes. But do I do it all

the time? Ask my appetite~

Height:

- 5" 4′.

Do u have a crush on someone?:

- Why don’t you tell me?

Do u like yourself:

- Used to not, but yes now. And it feels great to like

myself. Haha.

Piercings:

- Yup. Earrings since I was 6.

Righty or Lefty:

- Righty. Tho my mum and bro are kinda ambidextrous.

Smart people~

FIRST

Surgery:

- Don’t wanna think about that now.

Hopefully no chances for me to ever think

about it. Lol.

Piercing:

- For earrings and only those ’til now.

Person you see in the morning:

- Family folks–ranging from mum using the

pc, younger bro asking me to go downstairs

for breakfast, older bro screaming so I

wouldn’t be late for school, or grandma

screaming as well to get me to drink some

green made-by-mum health beverage. Today

pulak—cousin who wants to do my hair.

Hmm. Interesting.

Award:

- First real award, third placing in academics

in my class when I was in Standard 1. I got

first during semester 1 tho =(

Sport you join:

- Basketball. Used to. Then lompat jauh in

lower secondary…until I faced the fact that

I’m not athletic at all. But I’m happier now.

And oh, Taekwondo–blue 2 rank. Cz I skipped

two year-end grading tests for two

consecutive choir national level comps.

Pet:

- Hamsters. The in-breeding problem was so

bad we either gave ‘em away or they simply

died. Cat—stray one when I was 6, its mum

left the place and forgot about it but it gave

me lotsa rashes and then died after all weeks

later =(

Vacation:

- Pulau something. Lol. You seriously expect

me to remember which? Haha.

Concert:

- Don’t remember either…so much music, so

little time. Lol. But lesser time for studies

overall…

First crush:

- That guy I sat next to in primary school

during standard 3. Cz he made me do all my

h/w. Haha. It’s horrifying how much Celyn’s

bro resembles him. Eek….And the teacher’s

anak. If you know the story. Long time ago

dah.

CURRENTLY

Eating:

- nothing

Drinking:

- nothing.

I’m about to:

- Grab the person on my bed and have

another make-out session–Aiyo, of course

nak go downstairs to have lunch soon.

YOUR FUTURE

Want kids:
- I’ll see what happens. After all, it’s really either fate or part of a well-written destiny.

Want to get married:
- I’ll see who wants to marry me and I’ll call you all up when then happens k? =P

Careers in mind:
- Plan A: Doctor, dentist, psychiatrist(dulu jer), Plan B: nurse, musician, bookstore owner, music shop owner, people who sing at cafes, social worker(if I learn to stop mumbling and speak out to connect with people), air-hostess(plan C), part-time model(lol, quite a challenge eh).

Which is better? Lips or eyes?:
- Eyes

Hugs or kisses:
- Both.

Shorter or taller?:
- I don’t mind either. Really.

Romantic or spontaneous:
- it doesn’t matter what dynamics is being set. Lol. As long as I’m being loved =)

Sensitive or loud:
- Surprise me.

Troublemaker or hesitant?:
- absolutely not hesitant. Do come as you are.

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger?:
- nope

Drank bubbles:
- if you count those that surface after you’ve shaken the soda one too many times.

Lost glasses/contacts:
- normal eyesight…I worry more about my hearing tho.

Ran away from home:
- no reasons to…don’t wanna have any. Lol.

Liked someone younger:
- age doesn’t matter =)

Liked someone older:
- who hasn’t…? haha.

Broke someone’s heart:
- I hope not. Never want to. That’s why the opposite always happens first.

Been arrested:
- For rebelling? Maybe. But I’m a good person overall.

Cried when someone died:
- yes. I’m easily affected.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself:
- when I must, I really do. Makes sense? I have a high self-esteem but low self-confidence.

Miracles:
- yea

Heaven:
- cz it sounds nice. Haha. Yes actually.

Santa Claus:
- I haven’t seen him around lately tho.

Magic:
- if the line ‘everything she does is magic’ is true, then yes =D

Angels:
- you are one.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

Is there someone you want to be with right now?:
- if that person does not mind that dia met me at one of the worst times of my life then absolutely yes.

Do you believe in God?:
- there’s a universal God for all, yes.

You’ve been TAGGED!
(in alphabetical order)

Whoever reads my blog. Don’t be shy.

Who tagged me?
Medina.

*Oh and in conjunction with all that wailing and hysterical laughing, possession/medical condition yesterday, I really hope that Form 4 gal is okay now. May every God bless her and now that it’s Good Friday I hope our prayers will be heard even clearer. And to Buddha and every other deities too k–please bless that gal.

I’m exhausted.

Fallen ill I think would be a good way to put it. After all, I’m no machine nor superwoman. Fear, guilt and confusion should not have been good reasons why I should be going to so many classes.

      Slept for 7 hours in two days; now that made me wonder how Ms. J managed to pull through with 5 hours of sleep in two days. That, plus she had to drive from Taiping back to KL and drive around town, arrange music ’til near dawn with us AND still make it in time to CBN primary school to train the girls for choral speaking.

      As for me, it was 11 hours of tuition on last Tuesday, staying up late, taking a 5-hour driving test theory course the next day, staying up late again, choir prac on thursday morning, tuition classes after that, falling asleep at 6pm til 4am, waking up to Friday’s choir prac, going to Pavillion, going to Celyn’s and meeting Ms. J to help out with the score’s arrangement til near dawn.

Woke up at 6.20am the next day so that Ms. J could drive me home. Took a bath, had breakfast at a shop near my house and attended tuition classes from 10.20am til 5.30pm.

Sunday: Classes 9am til 11.30am, lunch with good friend JC that I planned would take up about two hours, from 1pm to 3pm, he came late–around 1.40pm, finished eating lunch anyway at 3pm but my bro, since he was going out with a gal whose r/ship with him is rather unspecified, kept stalling time after i made call after call to ask him whether we would go home yet.

      I was already feeling very sick by having to walk around the floors of the huge malls(Mv and The Gardens)and so lunch became tea at Starbucks. Since everything in Starbucks costed a bomb, JC decided that we should just have a cup of hot chocolate so we could sit around and he could then use his laptop with the wi-fi connection.

Two hours later; no sign of my brother. 5.30pm and we’re still sitting around like bored people and I was worried sick about school examination.

    At about six, my brother sent me a message to ask me to walk to the junction leading to Seputeh that was inaccessible by vehicles. So from Borders in The Gardens–including the fact that I need to travel to the LG floor of Midvalley before I need to ascend to the 1st floor to get to the KTM entrance–JC and I firstly had to switch off his laptop, which took a bit of time. Besides that, he had an idea in mind–before we’d leave Starbucks, he’d quickly ask the woman at the counter if I could perform a few songs live at Starbucks.

I thought it was a little out of the world tho in fact, I had dreamt once of performing at the Starbucks at either Time Square’s Borders or the one opposite Pavillion. The woman at the counter not only did not brush off JC’s idea, but handed him a handwritten piece of paper with the name of a musical series that was responsible for bringing live music to Starbucks.

I don’t know what to say to that, but it does sound kinda exciting for now.

So anyway, 15 minutes as expected passed when we got to Midvalley’s lower ground floor. That was also when my brother called and said he was sick and tired of waiting for me and asked me to arrange my own transport home.

JC said he didn’t like the fact that my bro promised that his outing would only be for lunch(so was mine)and then made us wait for hours for unspecified reasons. And to wait for about 15-20minutes, which was only a small fraction of the time he made me wait, for me to get from The Gardens to the Seputeh junction pissed him off.

      Was planning to take a KTM train back to Seputeh and walk from there. I used to do that. But well my friend there didn’t want me to walk alone home at 7sumthg pm. So in the end I had to wait for JC’s parents to get me back home. My mum called with the house phone first and I told her that I’m gonna be home by getting a lift from JC’s parents; then my bro called with the same phone to apologise. JC said it could be cz my mum scolded him. Hmm.

Family stuff that I wouldn’t wanna question so much, just as long as there ain’t anymore fighting and uneasiness.

Needless to say I fell asleep right after getting to my room that was located at the top floor of the house.

Fell sick the next day. Now I’m here, mustering some of my strength to make this embarassing post to at least try to explain to the folks who are wondering about what’s happened to me; I’m sorry, choir folks, the credit I reloaded on Thursday were all used up when I made those calls to my brother. Which is why now I’m thinking of changing my h/p line to Maxis/Digi instead. Oh Celcom.

Form 5’s kan, exam week, better not attend Tuesday morning’s prac; but as for Monday afternoon’s(today, right about now)it would be better if you guys have at least stayed for a minimum of an hour to let Celyn explain some stuff first.

But whatever’s happened I’m really sorry to not have been there; I promise that I am just taking a time out to heal over from this bad throat and mild fever and make real efforts to lighten my hectic schedule.

I’ve done most of the things that I did out of good intentions, so I hope you won’t try to judge me and quickly label me as some what-not’s–I just hope that someone could call me and tell me where I went wrong, scream at me if you want to, just so I could do things right again.

I’m so lost in school. It’s true. Especially now that it’s a minor exam season but homework wouldn’t stop piling.

*Update: Took some meds after mum took me to the doctor’s. Gonna get some shut-eye. Goodbye.

It’s the attack of adolescence. It’s the rush of hormone-filled blood to the head.

In fact, I can always sit and cry out that I’m a helpless person run by litres of bodily fluid that has components that tell me what to do all the time.

Even if I sit sighing or regretting, when I laugh at a teacher’s joke or think dearly of the person I adore I do not want to rule out the possibility that this is indeed the work of the mastermind of our emotions, friendly when controlled yet deadly as a giant flame when imbalanced–hormones.

1. I had a terrible dream this morning. Firstly I don’t know why it was in cantonese. I dreamt that N(don’t misunderstand me, I don’t really dream when I sleep usually especially not about people I haven’t really seen for quite awhile)came back to school one day and right that moment she greeted me and stuff but I replied with sarcasm and bitterness and perhaps even openly showed disdain. Right that moment it was recess time, I was eating nasi lemak when suddenly the spoon fell a few steps behind her feet.

    To my horror, I shouted, ‘Mou Yuk!(Don’t move!)’ so as to halt her progress of walking step by step backwards, but it didn’t work. Her right foot stepped on the spoon and it was only then she turned to look at what she had done, realising what I’d meant when I gave out the cry earlier on.

      I ran to get the spoon that was made filthy by the unintentional action and frantically began wiping it with tissues as I do not have any other cutleries at hand. Hungry, there was nothing much else in my dream self’s mind but to swallow the hesitation to re-use the spoon to resume eating the meal. With an angry grasp on the spoon, these words came out of the mouth of my dream self–"Yu gor ngo sei jor jau hai lei ge zui.(If I die, it’s your fault.)"

      I can only wake up in bafflement as the alarm clock springs its surprise, doing its task of playing an ascending volume of morning bells.

      Never really thought I was that deeply hateful a person tau. Maybe it’s because I tend to surpress most of my dissatisfaction and unhappiness from the past to make way for level-headedness and joy–which are actually not feelings that I fake, not recently. Which is why I think it’s contradictory. It doesn’t matter that the person that I least expect myself to dream of appeared suddenly, but I don’t think I really had so much of that dark potential energy within myself to want to say such things to people.

2. Talking to the person I had a dream about that left a bitter taste in my mouth just this morning made me feel worse about it.

Especially since this person has always made me feel worthless, like I was made wrong and am fabricated out so many components that are pieced together wrongly. Because I wasn’t what nature said I should be or should be doing and this person, not supporting me as an entirety showed me all along what she had in mind and how much I didn’t fit the bill.

Has anyone ever made you feel that way?

3. Of course, I never want anyone of you, all the more if I do happen to know you to ever have a moment when you should feel so depreciated; so neglected and sad.

I know things are going all right for me. At least now, they are. It’s just today. Hours of hours of classes make me wonder if I’m really a good student, makes me question my motivations and intentions and why I’m excelling not in the fields and places where I should excel in. School, for example.

I used to be so sad just to think of the government’s quota system in which the chance of myself(+my siblings)going to a public university would be a 1/10 possibilty. That is, if we are very lucky.

I do not recall myself staring into space; but I know at times my mind slows down and gives in to exhaustion. Sometimes without exhaustion, too, my mind will seem to give in to an invisible force that will wear it out and slow its function and lengthen my reaction time–making me a horrifyingly blur and slow person.

That is why after hours of lessons–I didn’t ask for that, both schedules happened to just have intersected today–I fell asleep in the car and the next thing my mum knew when she returned from the shop, we have a summons paper on the windscreen.

My mum scolds me; I blame myself. I sometimes hate how blur and slow I am. Those two hinder many of my otherwise perfectly functional human capabilities/qualities. After hurling angry thoughts at myself I begin to channel the anger through words–expectations from choir seniors amount to a degree when even I would unwittingly let my frustration speak to the kinder people who told me about running the club and the team.

      I want to be very honest with you about it–I was always a good team member but I’ve never thought I could shine as any kinds of leader, tho I will absolutely tell you that I have braved and obliterated many of my fears to stand at least where I am today.

      Frankly, the pressure from school(making a fuss during assembly and humiliating me unintentionally, for thinking that a month before the competition is ‘aiya, still got so much time!’), government(elections are important but why is it necessary to bring every event approximately three months forward…)and concerned seniors(some scolded me, some are kind and concerned but of course are still very afraid to see me let them down)all stand in a line to form a transparent yet tangible(sahih)force that breaks me apart.

4. I was inspired to type a happy post about family yesterday…I don’t know about now. I just know, from a more shaded view, I sense alot of repression in my family sometimes; tho some members can become very vocal but the ones I’ve always wanted to communicate with have this huge shield/barrier on and wear a face of the all-star career person.

      Communication is a shown ability when any one of us makes a mistake or gets into trouble; scold, threaten(not often)and take a defensive approach. Hearts soften later on but the words that follow are often just gently muttered and life goes on. Concern and kindness is shown just there and then. No continuity from those; every other feeling shown the next day, tho done out of good intentions are often new and foreign to me as of the day that particular feeling/expression is being shown.

      Affection is when nothing is said but something is done to very discreetly say that ‘we’ll pull through’. I do not understand why love is so generalised elsewhere yet so sacred and most of the time, unmentioned in my family.

I am no alien to them; almost seventeen years ago I have been ‘Janice’ and has a chinese name that was taken after the 1990 winner of the Miss Hong Kong beauty pageant contest.

I guess that’s all about family for now. You may have it better or worse than mine, but that was just my opinion of my family and to a small extent, my tale of it.

5. I’m taking my driver’s undang course tomorrow…wish me luck kay. =) And to major exam result takers–it’s at the same time too late yet not too late for you to read this message, but if you want luck, here’s some; but I know what you really need now is hope, faith and reassurance that everything is going to be just fine no matter what the paper says, as every other fragment of your daily lives will just resume and be unaffected by the truth, right?

      And that the only thing that will be affected is your mind and what it thinks and perceives the fact of it. You are you; if the fruit of your effort happens not to gain you cheaper college entrance you will have to be strong, pick up the pieces and plant another tree with more effort. There are way too many possibilities in life to just stop there, full stop, and tell yourselves that you’re failures in life.

If God obviously wanted you to fail in life and be a scum of the universe that dirties the streets, why would he have given you so much space, time and chances before this?

It never stops. Just don’t let your mind overrule you. Trust me on this okay?

6. Lol, if you happen to be the sort of person who judges–tell me, what have you learnt about me from this post?

Would you still like me if I was the sort who thought alot?

Would my vunerability turn you away?

Questions I am only so curious about but will let to remain rheotorical for as long as I do not incur your wrath.

I am, after all, very tired today. Haha.

Oh and my paternal grandpa is very ill lately, please pray for him okay? I’ll really appreciate it.

Unflinching but with faltering words at times, JLWY.

Songs with undefined sound quality but were perfect food for my soul:

My Karaoke Friends - J.C.

You know what, my friend, you’ve been an acoustic guitar star in my head all day.

You May Know Him - Cat Power

Some woman, some grainy but sweet voice, some unclearly recorded acoustic guitar strumming and a good song through my ears.

Not as cheery as the previous post…

Refective but worth wasting five minutes of your lives to just hear me out, lol.

I tend to babble. But i guess that’s better than having me quiet, no? =)

I went unconscious this morning for awhile during a somewhat important test. I’m not sad, yet you can’t say I’m that stressed up–I just feel so empty and purposeless for now, as far as my life as a student is concerned. I spoke to Shaf who’s a versatile young actress, I like to listen to her passion and knowledge about acting.

She made me think about what I really like, which is singing…I also weighed that with what I really should excel in, which is my studies. She told me that she didn’t know what she was doing in a science-based class when she clearly is one that belongs to the world of the Arts.

So what am I doing here? I, like many others, am looking for a good life; searching for a wonderful purpose/aim to get myself to focus and enjoy classes conducted everyday in which will help me very much in my future if I’d attended them.

But what happens when I have been robbed of that sense of purpose? Did I do it to myself? Did someone break the fragile glassware that I was and ran far, far away so as not to be caught nor found? I myself now appear to be a crime scene; not a bloody mess, but an existence whose presence is simply felt as the thin air, robbed of all air of substance.

I am normal. I am fine. Maybe sometimes I sing a little too loud in public or piss a teacher off, but I suppose I am still glad that I have been made a part of your lives and when you tell me you are happy to have known me, you have no idea how much you’ve made my day.

I have a friend who seems to be very sad; I am no longer sad myself because I have embraced optimism but there are very selfish beings in this world who are walking psychopaths–they want to feel many things but would want to achieve it all at others’ expense. They would hurt, slash and kill(metaphorically)just so they can accomplish their menial tasks or satisfy their greedy needs; they would come at last home to my friend’s feet to beg for forgiveness but is at the same time beastly enough to still have the heart to want to hurt her again some other time.

Love shouldn’t be so painful–or else it would be called harm. Empathetic, I am of course affected–knowing that such a person actually exists besides N has made me hate MayC more for being such a bad influence.

I need to believe that people are selfish not because they want to, but because they have to…tho I think they are simply ridiculous for having thought of such a thing to do to people in the first place.

I need you to know how happy you have made me by coming into my life, trying to find a way to know me and access my sometimes complex world but I just wanted you to know too that I am trying to make it up to you as well by being able to be a part of the world you live in.

Shallow, deep…it doesn’t always matter to me, I want to break all stereotypes and blur all lines to boundaries people create and give myself a chance to be happy; If I don’t give myself the opportunity, who else will? You are my sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.

Although I don’t know how to build a bridge of communication to cover the gap between us; all in all, I want you to know and maybe feel it if you can–I love you.

If not just today, then maybe tomorrow and many days to come.

I just want to learn to have more faith in things and hey, don’t freak out hearing all this from me. Lol.

That’s all I guess, ’til I get better, JLWY.

Songs I think about lately:

‘Gravity’ - Sara Bareilles

For my friend with the first name with the initial C.

Tho I like the song very much myself. ‘Here I am, and I stand so tall…just like I’m supposed to be.’

‘Jealous Guy’ - Live cover of John Lennon’s song by Elliott Smith

‘I was dreaming of the past; and my heart was beating fast…’ Quiet and nice gem of a song.

‘Sugar Sweet’ - The Icicles

For you la.

An update~ I once promised to blog more frequently, so this is it.

1. I’m getting thinner. Someone feed me? => Lunch probs. Must be the bad canteen food eh. Eating the wholemeal bread with an almost non-existent spread of cheap tuna was torture today.

But then my mum said, ‘I’ve been eating kat the hospital canteen for about thirty years’–so bear with it. =P

2. In conjunction with the first point–is thin beautiful? I wonder still. I sure won’t do it on purpose just so I’d be Hollywood-personified. I personally find curves very natural and amazing in their own ways. I mean, of course, if one is not 10 pounds above the border for ‘overweight’.

But that’s okay. To quote Nirvana, ‘come as you are’. Just as long as you peeps are healthy and happy yea.

3. I had mashed potato + mentos simultaneously in school. Don’t ask how that happened. Lol. Work of some cute person.

4. Calling Ms. Intan Suhana, I currently have your nametag in my possesion. And apparently you’re unintentionally holding mine as hostage as well (as of 29/2).

5. I read the blog of a good friend of mine today; but first here’s a disclaimer: I do not have best friends cz it seems to be unfair to fish one out of all the good friends I have. Lol. That’s just a referrence to the best friend term. But it’s alright and sometimes sweet to hear people talk about their best friends.

So btw, I apparently share the same name as someone who was very important to someone til someone has left and someone is left quite speechless and most probably does not want to be reminded much about that someone.

So when i was being quite very blur in choir prac earlier on–was actually practising a few vocal parts with my alto dears–the committee members needed to ask me stuff and started calling me assorted names, ‘Wing Yie–(no response), Leong–(no response but I terdengar then when I turn around…) J*****.’ Well, my point is of course I was shocked to hear it cz I was trying to hard not to remind someone of someone even by namesake and this someone decides to just smile, and, in the most casual way, call me by the ‘J’ word.

So has someone finally moved on and got over someone? Lol. Good to know that actually. No more falling into pits of devouring fire. You need an icepack now =)

6. Firstly, do not judge me when I make the next few statements and type my next important point–I’m a blur person, yes, slow, yes–but this time, those are not the case.

I read N’s blog. I picked up the courage to quite a long time ago, but I didn’t see the point til I once again saw the link to it from Intan’s blog.

I suppose what I read is what I should understand and believe–is selfishness really something that is/can be done out of good cause just because one thinks that they are just being kind and is trying to spare others of pain and hurt?

I was told by a few friends before, that I often care too much about others and tend to occassionally neglect my own well-being–so it made me think if selfishness is really something innate(inborn) or cultivated? Why is it, to me, that no matter how much pain certain facts may cause one, it is all the more important for me to be honest once and for all/as fast as possible about it and not cause that person to accumulate their anxiety and integrate it with consequential grief that it becomes a debilitating pain when they find out finally?

Apparently someone does not understand–truth hurts but it sets one free. To enable one’s mental state to be free enough to make good decisions and live a better life.

Clearly the days of the sharing of a funny drink called orange milk and platonic hand holding done out of instinct have long past us; I do not regret walking those roads with you, taking the next few steps, feeling a different kind of happiness–but dear N, I do not love you anymore and unfortunately, neither do I want to have anything to do with you anymore in my life.

You will live your life as you want because there is nothing much more I can do about it besides being the girl you left behind who is trying to take in the new greats in her life.

I do not want to delve in my memories, I want to live in my present.

My decision is final as I am not as indecisive as you are. I want to cherish the new people who have come into my life and enlightened me; make those who have always been there for me happy and if possible, proud of me.

7. And that being said, I so badly want to do well in SPM. You must be shocked to hear about my tuition schedule even as of now.

I keep telling myself, I might be demotivated, have a tendency to want to give up at times, but this is for the best of the years to come in a life that I want to learn to enjoy and love. And for that Honda Civic I’ve been eyeing ;>

I may or may not have disappointed the people I know, but I promise this bad school life management is as far down as I’ll go and it wouldn’t deteriorate from here.

8. So, did I sound really bummed or filled with anything really pessimistic and doom-ish? These words of mine in this post is still part of the liberation process I spoke about in the previous post–as you know, I’m just a simple teenager with hormonal rages, anxiety, fear, optimism, understanding and strength trying to live in this increasingly unpredictable world with people who will stick around with me thru thick and thin.

Am I a very deep person? That is for me to know, and if you want to, preferrably in a non-judgemental way, find out. =)

Always one who cares despite my own troubles, JLWY.

      Sorry to be a spoil sport, but this is not a Valentine’s post. Lol. A little late for that, not? The title’s a referrence to a poem I just wrote, but since it’s nothing special I’m not gonna put it here and let it laser your pretty eyes. Btw anyone who happened to just have made their grand once in a blue moon click on my blog it’ll be cool if you’d read the previous post. (yeah, I know how infrequently I blog lol~)

      If you really wanna know, I spent V-day appreciating the unique stability of my relationships with my family members and my friends and friend-of-friend’s. Many gave me hugs, my sis Amelia gave me a chocolate+ribbon on it; made a joke and made a cute person laugh uncontrollably that day. What’s not to love about my very ordinary Valentine’s day?

Besides the fact that we had a school exam the entire week, that is. They forgot that it’s so not ala April’s Fool Day to put it right after Chinese New Year celebration week. But that’s okay. I forgive them, lol.

      I’m glad to acknowledge that I have many true friends, from people who taught me how to look on the bright side and not to think ‘it’s uncool’ to jump around like nobody’s business when I’m happy to the ones who taught me to cry when my heart says so by showing that they have done just that and will pull through in the end.

      A wonder happened to me during the dawn of the day I was due to have my first test papers. I woke up in the morning and completely forgot that I was grieving for a few heartbreaks and upsets accumulated from last year and ate really delicious instant prawn noodles(Ibumie brand)and drank the daily great, Milo.

Did I tell you my favourite drinks are soya bean and Milo? I sure am easy to please, but don’t take me lightly either.

      The incident above happened right along the time I tried making a Chinese New Year wish or two, but since I usually don’t, this was what I came up with:

I want to be happy.

Well, that I really believed, and of course I remembered to ’strengthen’ the prayers I made every single day in school when I prayed during Chinese New Year:

‘I pray for good health, world peace, happiness and good luck for everyone; May God bless all I know and don’t -insert event of the day that needs an extra helping of blessing-’

      Sure made me sound like a simple-minded gal, no? Lol. It’s the thought that counts mar. The ‘may God bless…’ was added during the second semester of last year when N told me that whenever she prayed, she wondered if God will remember to bless the people she was praying for and since those words of hers left a great impression on me I added it as part of my own prayer.

      I realised that while it was so easy for me to fall into a depression trap at some points of my still short but ongoing life, it was easier to leave it if I actually did as the popular words said, ‘forgive and forget’. We humans are very funny and stubborn creatures who sometimes know and acknowledge things that have been said but do not learn or attempt to try it. Is it because we are all so afraid of change that we fear that once we leave the cave that has kept us deep in the dark with dark thoughts and obstination-induced sadness, we may not learn to survive new challenges and adapt to wonders and trickeries that lead to a new albeit different kind of happiness the world has in sleeves for us?

An incorrigible person always told me, ‘it is easier said than done’; well I believed her but I would dead by tomorrow if I continued to. I also remember hearing the words, ‘you’re such a depressing little child.’

With emphasis on ‘little child’–It’s funny how much it hurt ’cause remembering that trying so hard to work things out like any adult would, looking at a grown person’s physical attributes one already possess and having a mind with a growth rate not exactly in par amplifies the insult.

That, but I’m not gonna let the disrespectful people from my past bring me down again.

      This is a miraculous, newfound confidence and happiness that I carry within myself as of now. I hope not to lose them even when I might possibly lose some other qualities sometimes, like faith and trust.

Here’s when I wanna wish happy belated birthday to two people who have influenced me greatly for the past few years;

1)MC, 9th February. First knew her when I was a Form 1 student ala chinese school hick with bad hair and worse smile. She has affected me in some ways that I once believed was great but now I see them in actuality as minor and only occasionally worth mentioning stuff.

      She had a very genuine smile no matter what her mind might be up to at the same time, but from what I know she has somehow disintergrated to the back alley of academia and become the total opposite of a model student–skipping school, changing boyfriends as fast as she would her handphones, making great lies which sometimes have irrepairable consequences and teaching others her filthy ways and beliefs in life. It saddened me to know that she has ‘infected’ a few people whom she regards as good buddies and have indirectly caused a few relationships to end. And it hurt me to see some of the victims of her grievous wrongdoings and irresponsibility grieve and work hard to move on.

I never spoke to her again as she enjoyed taking advantage in the fact that I was nice to her and tried to manipulate me to do things for her.

2)JC, 12th February. Call me lame, but this always seemed to me a modern fairy tale–first met him during carnival day right after I fell off the stairs leading to the canteen after performing at the talenttime competition and have swollen eyes from being tearful about it. A dashing guy with hair like Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer(with lighting effects courtesy of the mid-afternoon sun and a ‘mist’ covering my post-crying eyes)came up to me with a smile and asked me about the song I sang onstage.

From then on it was getting to know this person, talking to him, talking about music and sending him my collection of written songs.

I was surprised by how much he appreciated my songs; he made his own parts to try to play alongside my plain singing, wrote his take of lyrics to my song and even cared to draw pictures of a cow and a chicken(as that used to be N’s favourite animal word)next to it. He was a good artist.

But why we’ve come to the stage of being back in our own spaces and not speaking again is a decision I have made; one I understand and believe is best for him as much as it is for me. I care to know if I have transformed an innocent bystander in my life to be void of good; I fear if good has gone when certain things don’t work out well and rebellious deeds and a post-revelation hangover takes over the best guy I have known in my life so far.

So he, alongside my family members is the benchmark to male aquaintances in my life, because every now and then I hear a horrid tale of a male person doing bad things to friends of mine I think inwardly, ‘if JC can exist why can’t they live up to that too?’

I do not claim to actually know how good you are, but that’s the image of you I have and you don’t actually have to live up to it–for now and always just be yourself, live comfortably in your own skin and remember to be happy.

And to put it all in a short note, happy birthday to the flesh and blood representation of the symbols Angel & Demon of my life.

      This is a ‘real’ post that I’ve typed in such a long time, one with no barriers, no fear of judgemental readers because I’ve come to understand a part of what liberation means–to live in liberty is the day one has finally come to believe that they can and by all (good) means will.

      I was indeed very sad that the seniors I love are gone, but the blessing in disguise is that I finally have been liberated from certain selfish, hateful and judgemental eyes.

      I also wanted to say, before I forget, that to certain people who fear I might have unresolved feelings for them–forget it, don’t worry cz I buried them where I cannot find them for quite awhile from now. So where do I go from here? Lol. I guess I already know.

Ciao, lots of tender, loving care to keep your insatiable hearts a-beating from your gal-with-a-mended-heart, JLWY.

Song to put it all in a nutshell:

Love Song - Sarah Bareilles

I really like this song and it is the song that I remember JC by most cz he sent it to me after I told him that I wrote a song to someone I tried to love; the lyrics go ‘I’m not gonna write you a love song; I’m not gonna write you to stay…’

      The rock-fied version being played on the radio though works well with different instrumentalisation lacks fresh emotions compared to the presumably older, less mainstream version I have with the constant piano thumps and uncut, wonderful bridge which leads to a wind-down chorus of the song and finally to a strong, climatic chorus-based ending.

Disclaimer: If you think the way I talk about the choir is fanatic-borderline-lunatic, it’s because you are so ignorant and have never been in my shoes nor any organisation leader’s shoes for that matter.   

     "–Leong speaks!" Ms. Joaan said with a minor gasp. I remember very clearly that those were the first words she had really said to me. This is the definitive blog post in which I will have my input of stuff that I should have said a very long time ago.

      Ms. Joaan is the person I respect most outside my home and has changed my life by making me a more confident and better person. I am for one a person who does not believe in lying nor kissing anyone’s ass cz that sorta person is just full of shit. This is really how I feel now. But my peers, the lack of ideas and lack of pendirian has made you done what you have done today and you have angered me so. You tell me, if you are so smart what do you do if she stops training the choir?

      There was once when I was just another brick on the wall, writing as an outlet to channel feelings or thoughts that otherwise would have no place to go but accumulate within me; because I was tolerant, people called me weak; because I had knowledge, and this knowledge in turn brought fears–and the people called me a coward. Even those who claimed to love me most.

Congratulations, your hypocritical ways and cruelty have changed me as what does not kill me will make me stronger.

      Choir is not just a B-grade club or an insignificant band of people who dedicate their pastime to training themselves to sing 2-and-a-half songs that would only be contested for ~10 minutes onstage–it is a way of life, a sort of discipline and definitely an experience you can never trade for a mundane lifestyle of homework, studying, tuition based on just your assumption that you will be secured a better future. Because, well, this is Malaysia.

      My depression became worse when I suffered a panic attack late last year when I saw the seniors I care and love very much break down as they pick up the pieces post-choir comp to face the SPM exam.

      Few weeks ago, some rude seniors scolded me. Although I decided not to hold back and reacted with honest, harsh words, the incident was a slap of realisation on my face.

      Now having to head the choir, I feel so alone as I take every single step in the school compound knowing that the batch of some crazy, some selfish, some fun-loving and some definitely life-changing seniors have gone and left.

      The new school system made it worse; I had to dedicate my entire year to doing homework, keeping up with the brains of my class, trying to live in harmony with the over-expecting educators who would despise anyone who seems to have fallen off the track, going for tuition classes every single day–please stop telling me that I’m an idiot for going for so many classes, unlike some indecisive people, I know what I’m doing. So you tell me you ‘pity’ me. Teachers give me a piece of their minds. But do you know, once the intensive training starts, this is the best plan to make up for all the classes I will soon miss?

      You tell me I’m dumb for joining the choir again–oh wait, you don’t tell me, but you think so. I’m so sick and angry of seeing the conceitedness on your faces as you give me a sigh and a pat on the shoulders, your mind thinking of how you are going to celebrate your new roles in your new clubs and saying only two words to my face, "Good luck."

When you are walking away, you say the unforgivable words as you suddenly turn your face backwards to drop a pitiful look on me, "I’m sure you will find someone to replace me–of course, someone that will excel me."

I have fears. I am not omnipotent and oh-so-powerful. I waver and hesitate all the time. But I am not like you.

Choir is not a ‘pelampung’(float) that you can hold onto before you go onto ’something better’. It’s like, you are not gay until you find a man who wants to fuck you. Forgive me for sounding harsh at all, but don’t blame me, choir is definitely not a one-night-stand in which after having fun you can just abandon and leave it to ruin.

You have betrayed me.

And by doing so, you have not only wasted the hard work the seniors I love have put to defend the title last year, you are jeopardising the last bits of hope and a chance for Ms. Joaan to stay and train the rest of us who are still putting all our efforts in to make this year’s team a success.

      You want a future, you said. But do you want to trade your souls for a system so deceiving and unflexible to sacrifice your passion? Don’t you want something you can truly believe in, seek comfort in and recharge your energy before you resume your journey of tackling the educational system?

For the more wealthy ones, the A-levels is always here for you. And for the less well-off ones, you have Matriculation, STPM, diploma courses and foundation. And scholarships. If you are a student, if you even consider yourselves one average or not, juggling between ko-ko and academics has naturally been a task for you and all the reasons you seem to be giving me are plain excuses.

Have you forgotten the thrill of having something to believe in and unconditionally putting in your effort until you reach a goal that was not too long ago deemed impossible?

It’s really ironic, you know, that you can spend so much time on your class drama/choral speaking/duet acting and ESPECIALLY cheerleading that you can’t seem to do the same for the choir.

If I can do it, why can’t you?

Some of you are so good at running away from your problems you should win the Olympic. And I don’t just mean the irresponsible choir girls.

Maklumlah siapa yang makan cili tu akan terasa pedasnya.

I can only do so much with words, but I hope people will stop doubting where my loyalty lies; all that we should know now is that the decision now lies in your hands. You can make a difference.

"No one is indispensble, but everyone makes a difference." — the most important choir quote.

Sincerely, JLWY.